Is ‘Independence’ a construct designed to
separate us from each other?
I grew up fiercely independent. Feeling that I had only myself to rely upon, that I needed to do everything by myself. Whilst in some part this was true, I fell into the trap that independence was the only way to deal with this. To step ‘out’ of my family, and community rather than to lean into life and others. To go into myself more, to assume that I was on my own.
I was often (and still am) congratulated for my fierce independence, and this image I had constructed for myself meant that no one ever felt I needed anything from them, that I had it all handled. The absolute opposite was (and still is) true. My independence was born from my deep-seated human need to be held and supported by my family and community but thought that independence was a way to navigate this. Without knowing how to access the connection and support that we ALL need, never wanting be a burden on anyone else, never to rely on anyone again, to never be let down, left out, or disappointed – my independence grew and so did the gap between me and the rest of the world.
Things that would have ordinarily been shared and supported amongst the family or community in ancestral times became my sole responsibility in my own life and of my own making.
Not just the physical aspects of life, but the emotional burdens, the grief, the excitements, the joys and the challenging times all became my own to experience and carry because when you believe you are independent then you can’t reach out. Our worlds can become exceedingly small yet seem increasingly large all at the same time.
It is a very individualist way of living, and it is not how humans are supposed to live.
The trending narrative now is that co-dependence is a terrible thing. That we should not be relying on anyone else. That needing others is sign of weakness. That we should not need anyone else to survive. That being intermingled and reliant emotionally, physically and spiritually with others is toxic. This narrative is being banded arounnd and this way of thinking and acting is (literally) killing us.
Being ‘alone’ has the same impact on our physical health as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day – and is likely to shave ten to fifteen years off our life. (searchable sources) There is a chemical release within the body that is only stimulated by human contact and connection, a chemical which we need to thrive.
Co- dependence is a natural state of being. Being human means to depend on others for our survival and have others depend on us. If someone did not feed us when we were a baby would we be here today?
Consider that being dependant on others whilst remaining sovereign and self-reliant is a very empowering balance to strike. A paradox at times. We can be both self-reliant and co-dependant. We do not have to be one or the other and we can flit and flow between each state and sometimes even be both states in the same moment.
We are not two-dimensional beings. One or the other. Yes or no. Right and wrong. We are extraordinarily complex beings and can be all things and no things all at the same time.
When we allow others in, to help with and share some of the burdens and joys of life then we are freed up. We can and need to equally contribute to this dynamic. To show up for others when they haven’t the ability to carry their own burdens and to celebrate with them in times of joy. If we all just let go of ‘our’ independence a little, let go of identifying with the word, is it possible that we would quickly reestablish community and repair fractured family dynamics?
Perhaps if we changed the word co-dependant to interdependent then we can see the positive in this dynamic.
Being interdependent means we can rely on the strengths, skills, knowledge, support and love of others, whilst contributing that of our own to them.
Being self-reliant means we have the capacity and capability to do what needs to be done when it needs it be done, but it doesn’t harbour isolation like being independent does. Self-reliance and interdependence enables us to seek help, outsource tasks that may be better suited to someone else, to seek solutions amongst our friends and family rather than to work everything out by ourselves. If we can seek council, admit when things are too difficult, and allow the burdens of life to be shared amongst the family and community, doesn’t that sound like sweet relief?
We can share the challenging times and the good times with others, we can let people in when life gets too heavy and can celebrate life’s wins with others. We in turn can be ‘needed’ and thus nurture a sense of purpose on this planet outside of ourselves and a enjoy a deeper experience of living.
If our own blood family is not available for this, then focus this expansion and awareness on to our chosen family. If isolation has backed you so much into a corner that you do not even have any of them, then let us be bold and step out into the wilderness together.
“The world's full of lonely people afraid to make the first move.”
(Tony Lip – The Green Book)
When we are independent even the joys in life are not often shared. Everything we do, we do on our own. We grieve on our own, we dance on our own, we sing on our own, we travel on our own, we cry on our own, we live on our own, grow and fall apart on our own, we even die on our own.
Self-reliance and interdependence brings us in to becoming an active member of our community, harbouring a connection between our family, friends and neighbours. Being a contributor to the greater design, to the greater experience of us all being in this one room school house together in this life time, to bend to the ebbs and flows of our experience here, shouldering the burdens for those who can’t in the moment and allowing the weight to be taken off our own when it gets too much for us.
We aren’t designed to live independently.
We are not designed to live in isolation. We are not designed to do everything on our own. We are designed to be in community – in common union – to grieve together, laugh together, support one another, grow together, dance together and sing together – to be interdependent.
Let’s not fall in the trap that’s been set - that has us believing that being independent is a good thing to be worn as a badge of honour. This drives us all into the separation and isolation that destroys community, breaks down family structures and forces us to buy into the illusion that we are all in this life for ourselves. Being independent is tough and can be lonely and soul destroying. Perhaps we could aim to be self-reliant, interdependent, connected, and allow ourselves to be human, step up and in to community, open the doors to our family and friends, take the weight off others when we can and allow someone to help us when we need it and sometimes even when we don’t. Let’s not kid ourselves into believing we don’t need anyone. We were not made differently to the rest of humanity; we have just convinced ourselves that this is our truth.
We are here to express our own unique signature of light and life, and to allow others to show up in their own unique way. If everyone was living their true nature and purpose then everyone’s needs would be met, the burdens and the joys of life would be shared amongst us, and life would not seem so heavy. If we focus our energy on our heartfelt strengths and passions, offer those up to the community and allow others to do the same, then everyone’s needs get met –a community collectively contains everything that everyone needs when it is shared in this way.
Let’s be the expert our own expression of self, let others be that of theirs. This way we do not have to have a handle on all things, all the time, all on our own.
Let’s give ourselves permission to pursue a purpose outside of ourselves and allow others to be able to show up for us. Being needed is important for all of us.
I understand that sometimes circumstance forces us to take all the responsibilities of life onto our own shoulders and backs us into this corner and ‘independence’ seems like the only option. Perhaps we could consider that there is another way – even if it may not seem it, when everything is seemingly solely on us to have to deal with.
An Invitation
I invite you to consider that the smallest change we can make in support of ourselves in these moments is to simply begin by changing the dialogue we tell ourselves. That we are self-reliant and interdependent rather than independent, this simple change in our story will energetically open us up to more opportunity to community, to allowing others in, to releasing the belief that we have to do everything in our own, that the weight of being alive is not just on our own shoulders to carry and that there are people out there who want to contribute, want to share in our world and want to help. Also consider that you are needed by others, your unique gifts, your presence, laughter, love and support are what is missing in other people’s lives too.
Due to the current state of the western culture, which is built to support fractured communities and families, this first step will be bold, one of faith and trust, but if enough of us do it – the tide will rise collectively. If we can encourage this notion amongst our nearest and see how it grows.
As the nature of being human promises to deliver – as our internal story shifts - our outside experience and our world begins to reflect this inner landscape and will open us up to see what has always been there all along but the story of independence would never allow us to see.
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