Journaling and Freewriting

“The Consequence Is That You Must Start By Writing The Wrong Meanings In The Wrong Words; But Keep Writing Till You Get To The Right Meanings In The Right Words. Only At The End Will You Know What You Are Saying”
_{(Peter Elbow)}

So, I’ve discovered journaling freewriting.
For me it’s like a cross between self-therapy and an artform.

Journaling
Journaling is simply writing down our thoughts and feelings. Getting them out of our heads, to be able to see them differently and make sense of them.
I started journaling during my first year of uni (two years ago), basically reflectingon lecture content.
I’d just start writing about what was covered in the lecture. Then suddenly I’d have a page… or two… or even three, of connected and developing thoughts.

Freewriting
Freewriting is a typeof journaling. You write continuously, for a specific amount of time. Just write whatever comes to mind. Even if that’s “I don’t know what to write!” – this is always a great starting point!
I literally just start writing about anything. I don’t think about what to write. I don’t plan or structure it. I ~~don’t~~ try not worry about spelling mistakes – this is one I’m still working on!!

I find freewriting especially helpful when I’m feeling stuck, upset or frustrated, about something I can’t put my finger on.
I just enjoy seeing where it takes me. It can be extremely interesting and utterly surprising.

Letting go of control

I’m becoming acutely aware that I spend so much time trying to controleverything in life. That journaling and freewriting allows me to relinquish that control for just a few minutes.
Surrendering my thoughts and concerns, past experiences and future worries.
Just allowing what needs to be revealed, to be candidly unveiled.
I don’t think about how it might sound or who will read it, (no-one ever will …unless, of course, I decide to publish those ramblings in a blog!?!)

I’ve had significant moments of clarity. Striking revelations. Encountered elements of joy. Blissful contentment. And shed salty tears of realisation.
But they have always given me a sense of comfort, relief even.
It’s like so much is being acknowledged, deliberated and analysed within my unconscious. Like a vast black hole of cognitions, endlessly operating without my knowing.
Yet through writing some of these things come into my awareness.
And it’s extraordinary what comes out. When my thoughts are allowed to just messily spill over the pages. Rather than being filtered, organised and vetted before granted conscious acknowledgement.
For instance…
Some of the things coerced into exile from my subconscious in this way, include:
Growing up believing my academic achievement has a direct correlation to my confidence (this is not true!)
My anxiety is personified in the form of ameerkat; on high alert, head stuck up in the air, eyes wide, heart racing, and impossible to distract, as it urgently scans every direction for anticipated danger!
I project onto my children by getting mad with them for not doing their homework. When this is in fact about mefeelingguilty for not keeping on top of it. Not helping and encouraging them more with it. Not finding the time. Or just plain forgetting! (Welcome to parenthood).
My inability to deal with confrontation relates back to a childhood experience.
And… if we can learn techniques to explore, acknowledge and accept subconscious thoughts and feelings, could this prevent mental health problems from arising? (Bit far reaching maybe, but always hopeful for a few more optimistic advancements in this area).
Sometimes I wonder if such thoughts are decisively blocked from my awareness, in an attempt at self-defence. However, fine whispers remain, loitering in the mindful abyss.
And to find a way to retrieve them isn’t perhaps as bad as expected, but can actually be helpful in moving forward.
I just know it feels good to let out whatever needs to be surrendered. Like I have a chokehold on something that’s not able to voice its reality, and writing allows it to be heard.