At times, I felt like the only thing in his world, that I really was his everything. The poems, the romantic gestures, and promises of lifelong love and happiness. Except this wasn’t our reality, well, it wasn’t mine.
I remember feeling low, unwanted, and frustrated. I wanted to feel all this love and romance he was throwing at me. I wanted all the words to translate to touch and action, but after seven years, the reality was far from what I desired. I made a real conscious effort in our last year together. Special meals, days out, new lingerie—I was trying everything to bring this imaginary love story to life. But again, I was left with a restaurant bill for two, gorgeous new red underwear, and feeling more alone than I had ever been.
I told him so many times how I was feeling, and his promises and declarations of love poured in for those few moments. A few minutes of hope that things would change were quickly crushed by his continued use of drugs and toxic traits that I soon realised I could never compete with.
The feeling of not being wanted was sinking in, and the more I tried to close the gap between us, the further apart I felt.
Why am I sharing this? Because through the feeling of loneliness, I began to visualise better days. To be precise, I began to visualise not being alone. I would spend much of my time daydreaming about stolen moments with a faceless figure who knew exactly how to love me, both emotionally and physically.
This was the beginning of my next evolution—evolving into the woman who suddenly realised I wanted these daydreams to be a reality. But how? These were just nonsense visions; how could they ever become real?
I soon began to realise that I was daydreaming day and night, and every chance in between. Laughing, hugging, and having the most intimate sex with my faceless figure. Many times, I tried to use these visions to bring us closer, but each rejection was just another stain. And every stain was another torn page I was carrying. Once that bag got too heavy, I crashed, and soon after, so did my relationship.
I was spending more time thinking about what life could be like, having all the things I desired, rather than spending all my time and energy trying to keep my current relationship and life alive. For the first time, I was thinking about me, not us. I found ways to enjoy moments alone, and I began thinking of the future, but I didn’t see him in it.
When I finally left the toxic cycle from the man who claimed to love me but never wanted me, I saw that to be happy, I needed to decide what I truly wanted, and visualisation made everything change.
The faceless man I spent two years dreaming of became a reality—the most sweet, gentle, and generous man. Completely unexpected, or so I thought. However, I know I manifested him, and he manifested me. I found a man who said he loved me but also shows me every day that he wants me too. His compassion and giving nature make being with him, even 15 years later, a visionary dream come true.
I suppose the point I am trying to make is our visions can become a reality. Sadness and loneliness can change if you choose to change it. Don’t stay stuck because that’s what feels comfortable. Don’t give yourself away to anyone or anything because you feel you have to. You have a choice to find your true happiness—make sure you go find it. If, like me, you feel stuck, start with your visions. Your imagination is one of your best and most unique tools. We must see it before we can create it.
What is it you see for your future?
Life of Love with Julie Hilsen 24 w
Thank you for sharing this authentic and loving message. You are brave and divine. No regrets dear one, living your Life of Love one day at a time. You made space for this new relationship by knowing you are whole and complete with or without a relationship. I honor your wisdom and strength!!