We are always a work in progress!
No matter how long we have been doing “this”. “This” being working on self development, self awareness, personal healing or what ever else you choose to call it.
There is always room for improvement and there will always be times when we fall back into old patterns, old habits and old knee jerk reactions
Thankfully we get better at recognising it BUT sometimes – just sometimes – there can be something that triggers us that we either choose not to see, or it somehow slips past our radar. We convince ourselves that all is well, and for the most part it may well be.
However, we can find ourselves subtly drawn out of our centre. Things just don’t feel quite right, we don’t feel quite right, ungrounded, fuzzy, find it harder to connect. All these feelings when they persist can be good pointers that there is something that we are allowing to go under the radar that needs addressed.
I was reminded of this only recently, that I had lost sight of focus, clarity had slipped, confusion and a real sense of self doubt was growing. It was subtle at first, nothing I could quite put a finger on.
I shrugged it off – all is well – I convinced myself.
Focus goes further out “of focus” pardon the pun! Ungrounded, spacey not able to follow through on what I had started – limping ever so slightly – All is well I tell myself less convincingly this time.
I have a default space of pain, of needing reassurance, of not trusting my own judgement – a childhood wound of not being allowed to assert myself – being told what I needed to do and when. Of needing approval.
Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t a horrid thing, just what ever I seemed to choose – there was always a but... This one is better, this thing is more acceptable, this way is better. All that unconscious and insidious micro chipping away of confidence in the ability to choose, took many years of painstaking work. I had it pretty much sussed or so I thought.
A situation almost at its conclusion required me to do something that really felt against the grain – in fairness it was unavoidable and wasn’t really a huge thing – but it triggered that part of me that felt ”less than” that felt “undermined” that felt uncomfortable and unsure. That little girl in me – pushed into the limelight – stood nervously picking her nails – twirling her hair – looking lost – desperately trying to please while wishing she could be a million miles from where she was.
All is well I whispered almost imperceivably this time, as I began to reach out to others in an unhealthy way, fumbling for a sense of security, peeking round corners for answers, being more needy in my relationships yet somehow pushing others out at arms length. A petulance – wanting to do it myself – yet still wanting to be told what I was doing was right – heck as it spiralled it felt like I needed someone to give me permission to do what I needed to do – or perhaps on some level I was looking for a get out clause- an excuse “not to”
Yet somewhere in the seeking, the searching, the grasping at straws – the answers caused more confusion – deepened the growing sense of panic and ungroundedness.
Thoughts beginning to spiral – then thoughts of “hating myself” of being disgusted by my “inability to make sense of things” – the waking in the night micro analysing every move, every choice, the sick feeling rising
…… Enough! Thankfully that is when awareness kicked in – I began to see my retreat into that old space and that need to take the reins, to hold myself as my greatest council and to heed my own words. Flower essences to the rescue oops Cerato essence not rescue remedy!
Cerato is a beautiful blue flower that brings us back into the still centre of ourselves where we “know” what to do – where we can hear our inner judgement, to a space where we trust our own plan of action.
A few drops and the rising inner chaos descends to a low hum, a few more drops later – silence – calm – clarity returns. Hearing my own inner council suddenly all the jangly feelings stopped, I knew what to do and not only that I was taking immediate action. It was the ONLY way to get through this – the only way to quell the anxious feelings. Job done!
We have to understand that we are human and that we have these traits, each time we come to a crisis or near crisis point is generally where or when we are ready to make a breakthrough to the next level.
Don’t give yourself a hard time about it – journal with it, make friends with it , cut that inner child some slack and hang out with them – chat with them share perspectives and come to an agreement to move forward – peeling yet another layer of the onion off – shedding some burden that you no longer need to carry – making way for fresh things. New ways. YOUR way.
So remember that it happens to us all – it CAN sneak up on us when we are least expecting it BUT we can quickly shift through and come out the other side – a little bit wiser, a little bit stronger and a lot more aware.
The healing journey is a spiral – not a straight path, with each full circle – just when we feel like we are back in that same old place – have made no progress, are having to go through “all that” AGAIN – Is when we are actually breaking through.
When something emotional is trapped inside its a bit like a bubble in an ice block – there has to be energy to heat the ice so that it melts enough for the bubble to be freed to rise to the surface to dissipate – our emotions are those bubbles trapped inside – little pockets or hurt, of pain, of loss, of abandonment, of rejection in fact anything painful that we have pushed down and frozen inside – the energy needed to unfreeze those emotions come from the catalyst , the trigger , and when we are ready to release the ice melts enough to let that bubble pass to the surface – sometimes quickly and smoothly , sometimes it takes a bit of pushing and shoving and extra energy to coax it out.
The one thing sure about it that if we work with the process we can make things easier and that once released there is a whole new perspective and lessening of the hold that the emotion had on us. It also allows us to be more aware should we revisit this healing spiral of exactly what is going on for us.
I have negotiated this path and have laid another layer of the onion to rest – for now the way forward feels smooth and fresh and vibrant – I know there will be more twists and turns and bumps in the road but I celebrate the victory trusting in my own judgement to show me the way ……
