Hiya! This is for all mothers and motherly figures that are facing mental health challenges, I HEAR YOU! Motherhood is a beautiful and rewarding journey, but for some of us, it can also be extremely overwhelming, exhausting and demanding.
I, myself, like many others, have experienced and still experiencing to an extent, the added complexities of managing my mental health while raising two little human beings. And believe me when I say this, it takes immense courage to acknowledge and embrace this vulnerability, and this is what had led me to share my story to inspire other women, who are in the same position. Being a younger mother with mental struggles is challenging.
Each morning sees me dreading waking up and getting out of the bed, pretending to be the best version of myself. I see myself in the mirror having different faces. A “perfect” mother winning hands down.
Even something as petty as providing for your children’s basic needs, such as food, clothing and shelter, can be overwhelming and pressurising. Are the children fed? Are the children washed? Something as little as a sneeze will raise those alarm bells in the mind.
As if that’s not enough, providing financially for a family of four is taking its own toll, slowing eating away like a parasite. The feeling of guilt, inadequacy and failure as a parent is just enough to have an impact on the mental wellbeing and as a result, it is becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy that mother-child bond.
While they play seamlessly, having me by their side, it comes across as a burden to me, dragging myself to the floor to participate, as I find myself distracted by the various trouble provoking thought, unable to bring myself to reality. You will often find me zoning out, and unresponsive to several calls from my children, who just want nothing but their mummy’s time and attention.
Well, if that’s not enough, the constant chants of “Mummy!” and the wailing of the baby throughout the day, makes me want to hide in my shell. This is what a normal day, for me, looks like. Do you know what goes on in the mind of a person with ongoing mental health challenges. It’s a never-ending string of self-pity and miserable thoughts all tangled in a ball, that we have no control over.
It’s not easy, having to constantly tell your children who are just being creative, or exploring the world “No!” to everything, because my mental capacity could just not cope. They demand time and attention. Although the time is there, the lack of focus and attention is obvious.
The impact that the mental health has on the physical health is devastating. It’s a constant struggle to be mobile and active and can be extremely exhausting. Having to constantly put their play time and physical activity time at the back due to my incapacity, is having a detrimental effect as that results in an increased screen time. Am I finding an easy way out? Absolutely not. These are the perks I do not ask for.
It’s painful to just sit on the sofa with my legs crossed, whilst they have the best time with their daddy. This lack of attentiveness from one parent, results in rejection and aggression, that is passed onto the children in one way or the other. The behavioural changes, the eating disorders, the sleep disturbances. I often see my own not-so-pleasant actions, demonstrated by my first born.
As a parent, you expect yourself to be the one, extending support, not requiring it. And truly, it feels degrading to be asking for help, and difficult to accept vulnerability, but you have to do what you have to do.
My battle with mental health crisis is ongoing, it took me 2 years to finally approach my GP. This may not be the ideal solution you are in search for, but the medication might be the best thing for you, turned out it was for me. There is ample professional support available, health visitors, GP, nonprofit organisations like the Samaritans. It is easier to speak to people you don’t know, as there is no judgement or bias involved.
Get in touch with SAMARITANS or MIND now, if you are struggling. Remember you are not alone! Also, do not hesitate to contact any medical professional, if necessary! They are there to help you.
Much love, Safa
