Are You Stuck Spending Christmas with People You’d Rather Avoid?

If your answer is no, you've probably scrolled past this post already. But if it's yes, let me ask you one question: why?

Is it out of duty?

Is it because the other person doesn't realise you don't like them, so you feel forced to pretend? (Let's be honest, they probably have an idea, and the feeling might even be mutual).

Or is it because they're family, perhaps your parents, in-laws, or even a sibling, so you feel there's no choice?

Nobody wants to feel like this, but so many people do.

There are very few circumstances where spending Christmas with someone you don't like or respect is worth considering. However, newsflash: when the conditions are right, you'll either handle it with ease, or you might even muster up the courage to say, "No, not this year."

Our time and energy are precious. Christmas is a season for joy, love, and connection, not obligation, awkwardness, or resentment. Yet, every year, so many of us find ourselves sitting at a table, plastering on a smile, and playing happy families with people we secretly (or not-so-secretly) dislike.

If this sounds familiar, let's reflect on a few key questions.

Ask Yourself: WHY Are You Spending Christmas with People You'd Prefer Not To?

If I'm being honest, I've done this in the past more than once. And every single time, I had to stop and ask myself why. Who was I trying to please? Who was actually benefiting? Most importantly, what were the consequences?

Let's break down the most common reasons.

1. You feel guilty if you don’t.

Really? Let's pause for a moment here. Why don't you like this person? Is it something they've said or done? Maybe it’s how they treat you? How do you feel when you're around them, stressed, anxious, angry?

These feelings don't appear out of nowhere. Something must have happened to make you dislike them.

Now, ask yourself this: Do you feel guilty about not spending time with them the other 364 days of the year?

If not, why is Christmas Day any different? Is it that old adage: "But it's Christmas, and we should be kind and giving"? Yes, I agree to a point. But consider this: these situations often end in stress, tears, or alcohol-fuelled rows.

Then what happens to that picture-perfect Christmas you were striving for? It shatters.

2. You don’t want to upset your partner.

This is a tricky one. Perhaps it's your partner's family you're dreading spending time with. Or maybe your partner is the one pushing for you to spend time with a relative you'd rather avoid.

Compromise is part of relationships, but so is mutual respect.

If being in someone's company causes you genuine distress, it's important to voice that. A loving, supportive partner will want you to feel comfortable, not trapped in an uncomfortable situation for the sake of appearances.

That's not to say that simply telling them how you feel will resolve the situation; this isn't a Hollywood movie, but opening up the lines of communication will help you come to a resolution together. Remember, if your partner loves this other person, they may get defensive as they feel protective of them, which can lead to more conflict.

When sharing how you feel, remember to speak from the place of "I":

 "I feel like... when they're around," or

"I feel disrespected when they speak to me."

If we stay with how we feel rather than focusing on blame,

"they are disrespectful,"

"they make me feel..."

It's more powerful, and there's less chance of conflict as you're not attacking their relative. Remember you are a team, and supporting each other at times of challenge is important to maintain a healthy, thriving relationship.

3. You're worried about what others will think.

It's not uncommon for us to want people to think well of us. However, you cannot control what other people think. Conforming to situations that make you feel distressed or uncomfortable can be problematic in the long term if not addressed.

Your emotional well-being matters. If someone judges you for speaking up and having a view, that says more about them than it does about you.

Verbalising your needs can feel hard at times; however, if you're worried about what others think on Christmas Day, then chances are this blights your life daily. That could be an area you could consider reflecting on, as this will only hold you back in life, and you deserve to thrive confidently.

4. Because You Don't Want to Create Conflict

To be clear, avoiding conflict isn't the same as creating peace.

In fact, forcing yourself into situations that make you uncomfortable can lead to more internal and external conflict.

Resentment bubbles up, draining every bit of emotional energy, and before you know it, there's an explosion (or the dreaded passive-aggressive comments that ruin everyone's day).

Wouldn't it be better to have an honest, respectful conversation now rather than a dramatic fallout over Christmas dinner?

The Weight of Pre-Christmas Dread

For some, the stress of spending time with certain people doesn't begin on Christmas morning. It starts in September.

Do you know the feeling?

• "Oh no, here we go again."
• "We need to have 'that' conversation again. Hopefully, it'll be different this year."
• "Oh wait, it's going to be exactly the same."

This kind of dread doesn't just impact the day itself. It can taint the weeks leading up to it, building and building until the day arrives.

You deserve to choose. You deserve to take control of your emotional well-being and create a Christmas that feels good for you, your children, and the people who matter most to you.

Did you know that when we are stressed or anxious, we cannot experience joy simultaneously?

It's a biological fact. Your brain simply cannot engage the stress response and the joy response at the same time. So, if the company you're keeping is causing you stress or anxiety, what's the impact on your Christmas experience?

The Silent Impact on Your Children

Now, let's talk about how this affects your children.

Children are incredibly perceptive. They'll pick up on your emotions whether or not they know that you dislike a particular person. They sense your stress, anxiety, or discomfort, even if they don't fully understand it.

So, ask yourself: What do you want for your Christmas Day?

Is it about pleasing other people or creating a magical, joyful experience for your children, an environment where you can show up as your amazing, wonderful self?

Remember, the memories you're helping your children create aren't just about the gifts or the fairy lights. They're about how the day feels.

If you're drained, stressed, or anxious because of the people you've chosen to spend the day with, your children won't get the best of you on one of the few days in the year they'll truly remember throughout their adult lives.

Take a moment to reflect on your own childhood Christmases.

What stands out?

Was it all magic, fairy lights, and joy?

Or can you recall tension, stress, or even full-on family fallouts?

I remember when I was a child, Christmas was all about the adults. The morning was taken up with food prep, making sure everything was how it should be, and I could feel the tension in the air. Presents were limited and often 'practical', and any gifts we did get would be opened after dinner. The extended family would arrive, and it was always lovely to see them. Still, the adults would be getting merry, and I remember the day going so slowly until it was finally present-opening time.

When I had my children, I set very clear boundaries to ensure we could enjoy the day differently. For us, it was all about the kids; we'd get up (at some unearthly hour, of course), and the children could open their presents in their pyjamas while we spent the morning playing, putting things together, and simply having fun as a family.

I also made a point of keeping dinner as simple as possible. My philosophy was that the compromise was a standard roast if we were hosting. My priority wasn't getting stressed out in the kitchen but spending time with my children. I'm pretty sure Aunt Bessie's frozen potatoes and Yorkshire puddings made an appearance more than once!

But how did I implement that? I communicated with my partner and exercised flexibility. I shared my wishes for the children with my extended family from a place of kindness and compassion. Whether they were happy with this or not, they respected it, and that is what was important. We also set a time when everybody could arrive. As a result, everybody knew what was happening, and it made the day so much easier.

What about you? How do you want your children to remember their Christmases?

This reflection isn't about dredging up old memories. It's about helping you think critically about the environment you're creating now. What traditions, moments, and feelings do you want to pass on?

So, What's the Alternative?

If you've read this far, chances are you're seriously considering making a change. And I'm here to tell you that it's okay to prioritise your well-being.

Here are some alternatives to help you create a Christmas that feels good for you and your family:

1. Set Boundaries.

Let people know in advance what you're comfortable with. You don't have to explain yourself endlessly; a simple "We're doing things differently this year" is enough. If you feel obliged to see someone, consider meeting them on neutral ground on a different day. A pre-Christmas coffee or New Year's catch-up can be just as meaningful without the added pressure of the big day.

2. Celebrate on Your Own Terms.

Host your Christmas with the people who truly make you feel loved and valued.

Create an environment where you can relax and enjoy yourself. That could mean skipping the traditional roast and having something simple or fun instead, like a buffet.

Remember, the day is about joy, not perfection.

3. Skip It Altogether.

There's no law that says you have to celebrate Christmas a certain way. If a quiet day at home with your immediate family (or even just yourself!) sounds like bliss, go for it.

There's something incredibly freeing about creating your own version of Christmas without the expectations of others. 

4. Reframe the Narrative.

Shift your mindset from "I have no choice" to "The reason I choose to do this is because..." For example:

• "I choose to visit my in-laws because my partner loves them, and it's important to them."
• "I choose to spend Christmas with this person because I want to avoid conflict, which feels easier for me right now."
• "I choose to see them because I value keeping family traditions alive for my children, even if it's not perfect for me."

When you acknowledge that you're making a choice rather than feeling trapped, you regain control over the situation. And when you own that choice, it's easier to set boundaries around how much of yourself you're willing to give.

5. Change the Setting.

If specific environments or dynamics are the problem, consider changing where and how you celebrate. For example, suggest meeting for lunch at a restaurant instead of hosting at home. A neutral location can ease tensions and reduce the emotional labour on your part.

Personally, I remember being adamant that I didn't want to spend Christmas Day dragging my children from one house to another, visiting people. For me, Christmas was about them being at home, relaxed and comfortable. While hosting every year didn't exactly fill me with joy, it was my compromise. My priority was keeping the children at home, and that choice felt right for us.

6. Delegate.

If you're hosting and find it overwhelming, don't be afraid to ask for help. Share the workload: delegate parts of the meal and ask someone else to bring dessert. If everyone contributes, you'll feel less stressed and more able to enjoy the day.

7. Limit Your Time.

You don't have to stay all day or late into the evening. If you're visiting someone, plan a polite exit strategy, such as "We'll pop by in the morning, but we have plans to spend the afternoon at home," or "We can only stay for lunch, as we want to have a quiet evening."

8. Communicate Openly and Compassionately.

If you feel comfortable, have an honest conversation with the person you find challenging. Sometimes, the frostiness or tension is rooted in misunderstanding.

Approaching them with kindness and openness might pave the way for healing or, at the very least, mutual respect.

9. Find Small Joys in the Day.

If you've decided to spend time with someone you find difficult, focus on the parts of the day that bring you happiness. Maybe it's watching your children open their presents, enjoying a moment of quiet after the meal, or sneaking away for a short walk. By focusing on the good, you can minimise the emotional toll of the more challenging moments.

10. Create a Post-Christmas Ritual.

If you've chosen to spend the day with difficult people, give yourself something to look forward to afterwards. Plan a relaxing Boxing Day just for you and your immediate family, a day where you can unwind, watch movies, and recharge your emotional batteries.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, Christmas is meant to be joyful. It's about connection, love, and laughter.

So, if you find that certain people or situations are preventing you from experiencing those things, take a step back and consider the bigger picture.

Who benefits from your stress and discomfort? And who suffers?

The truth is, you suffer massively. As a result, your children and the people closest to you don't get the best version of you either.

This Christmas, you deserve to make a choice. Whether it's setting boundaries, changing your mindset, or having difficult but necessary conversations, ensuring they are delivered with kindness rather than anger or fear. This will be received much better.

You have the power to create a day that feels good for you and your family; however, in the absence of creating the Christmas that you would truly like, remember you choose to conform for all the right reasons for you and your family right now and attend the day graciously. This will prevent you from feeling completely wrung out emotionally.

So, ask yourself: What kind of Christmas do you want to remember? And more importantly, what kind of Christmas do you want your children to remember?

It's time to choose joy.

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