I reflect on years of psychological abuse in my marriage, marked by constant criticism, and emotional strain. My husband’s insecurities often led to behavior that made me feel unworthy and unsupported. Financial challenges added to the stress and a relocation to Florida.
However, the move did not improve our situation; tensions worsened, and my husband became increasingly agitated. Physical abuse entered the picture for the first time after 17 years of marriage (while we were still living in our home state), an incident that left me in disbelief but unacknowledged by my husband. This pattern escalated, and another incident of physical abuse occurred two years later. By then, I had resolved to leave the marriage, recognizing the toxicity and planning my exit while enduring worsening conditions.
This blog conveys my growing awareness of the abuse, my resilience, and the challenges of navigating life in an unhealthy and unsafe relationship. My daughter was depending on me to get us out of a frightening situation.
In the fall of 2021, we had to take our daughter to the hospital. We didn’t know what was going on with her, and it was a very scary time. She had never been to the hospital for herself, and I was scared for her well-being. It turned out she was experiencing severe anxiety, which manifested in various physical symptoms. She thought she had a UTI, then her knees started giving out, and other health issues arose. After coming home with my daughter from the hospital, I slept in her room for three nights. I honestly don’t think my husband liked that. I didn’t know how to help her. I sought help from different healthcare providers, spiritual healers, and energy healing, but nothing seemed to work. I now believe she energetically sensed I wanted to leave her father.
About a month later, my daughter confided in me, that she felt her father was holding me back in my life. This realization struck me, as it showed she understood more about our toxic family dynamics than I thought.
A few days had gone by since we had taken my daughter to the hospital, we made a trip to a store to get a few things for my daughter. When her anxiety flared up again, I suggested that I take her to another part of the store to get what she needed while my husband continued looking for some things he wanted. My husband became enraged, saying we came there as a family and had to stay together. I started to walk away and he was so angry he threw a package of underwear in the cart. My daughter happen to be in the cart because she was experiencing so much anxiety. She was 17 but just could not walk much. Her anxiety was getting to her. I did what any mother would and did what ever I had to do to make my daughter feel comfortable. His controlling behavior in our marriage was something I had dealt with for years, but it became worse. His jealousy of my close relationship with our daughter caused tension, and his actions were unpredictable.
I was never as affectionate with him as he wanted, but I know things would have been different if our marriage had been better. My daughter became a buffer between us. I avoided date nights with my husband because I didn’t want to spend time alone with him. I also didn’t trust leaving my daughter with my mom for too long due to my own childhood experiences with my mom's mental illness and instability.
Over the years, I did my best to create a good life for my daughter while seeking more purpose for myself. I didn’t want to be known only as a wife and mother. My journey of self-discovery as a mother led me to adopt a healthier lifestyle, and I lost 50 pounds. I didn't need to lose 50 lbs. Once I lost 30 lbs I wanted to lose more as I never felt like enough. Losing 30-35 would have been enough. I never felt like anything I did was good enough. I was always eating as healthy as possible and still somehow I gained weight. I believe that because of extreme amounts of stress my nervous system was dysregulated. It was like that for years and I didn't know it. I struggled with body image issues from childhood, shaped by a family that valued perfection.
Growing up, I was often reminded that I was heavier than other children, which affected my self-esteem as a child. My grandmother, a Holocaust survivor, upheld high standards of perfectionism, and my mother tried to please her. This created a cycle of generational trauma and toxic family expectations.
I remember being in school when classmates would celebrate their birthdays by bringing in cupcakes. While everyone else enjoyed the treat, my mom would send me with a different snack instead. It was embarrassing, though I can’t clearly remember what excuse I gave for having something different—maybe I said it was due to allergies. Over time, I think I’ve blocked it out. I wasn’t even allowed to join in on the joy of a birthday treat with my classmates. This was just one of many instances where certain foods were withheld from me because I was deemed overweight.
I realize now that these experiences shaped my self-worth and led me into unhealthy relationships with men.
Through all these challenges, I worked to break free from emotional, psychological, mental, and physcial abuse and create a more fulfilling, balanced life for myself and my daughter.
Stay tuned for the next blog installment as there is still so much of my story left to share. Next Blog will share how I left my husband and escaped a terrifying and abusive marriage.
Read Part 1 The Beginning of the Nightmare, Falling for a Narcissistic Abuser
Read Part 2 The Marriage and Early Red Flags, A Journey into a Narcissistic Relationship
Read Part 3 The Gradual Unraveling, My Journey in a Narcissistic Marriage
