I stood and cried at the airport as the dread of all that could go wrong, whirred through my
spaghetti like brain!
This is the messy truth of an abused brain and a wounded heart. You fear the worst in every
situation, you doubt your own abilities in the most simple tasks, which leads to a halt in any
activities that could lead to more distress or situations that you can’t control.
Unfortunately so many who have fled an abusive home, whether spouse or child, put their lives
on hold, no trips to unknown places, no holidays and even something as simple as a hospital
appointment can become a battle in someone's mind. There is a pervasive sense of fear of the
unknown. Trying something new places a victim in a vulnerable situation, and this will just
intensify these fears.
Worries about being judged or miss-understood engulf an already fragile
human. Then there is the fear of being rejected, this can be the ultimate fear for so many.
For an outsider this can be hard to understand and watch, maybe offering unsolicited advice to
“Just get over it, just do it,
” and such like just falls on deaf ears. Do you know why? Because just
like an addict has to be ready to say bye to the substance that gives them safety, a victim of
abuse has to be ready to step out of their comfort zone. Where there is potential for distress,
pain or failure. Even if it is only in their minds!
And this is what led to me, crying at the airport. It was my first solo trip and I would need to take
two flights to reach my final destination, which I really, really wanted to go to and my friend was
waiting at the other end, so I was excited for my trip. However, fear had me round the throat, in
a tight hold. To give some context to this overwhelming feeling, this was not only the first solo
flight and holiday but also the first time that I had been alone since the birth of my first child, 27
years prior. I had also suffered abuse and neglect as a child, though this has been processed
and I have found a sense of peace with that part of my life. On top of that little minefield, I have
spent the last 20 plus years in the company of a controlling and narcissistic man, who I was still
after 5 years, trying to divorce. So to say that I questioned everything, myself, others and
whether I had my passport-at least 57 times, is not an exaggeration.
This is the ugly truth for all those that have been in a situation where another human being has
caused deep pain and even when escape from the tormentor has happened, a shell of a human
is often all that remains.
Thus this is one of the psychological scars that a victim could carry,
hindering the ability to embrace life fully. After being betrayed by someone, survivors often find it
difficult to trust others, whether that is opening up to others or asking for support or help, making
new experiences even more fought with perceived issues.
Who are you going to ask for help, if
you can’t trust anyone?
Many victims of domestic abuse experience a loss of self-identity, as their abuser often attempts
to control their actions, choices, and even interests. As they begin to break free from their
abuser, they may feel lost or unsure of what they enjoy or want to pursue. This disconnection
from self can make trying new experiences feel daunting.To cope with their trauma, many survivors may resort to avoidance behaviors, shying away from
anything that might remind them of their past experiences. Experiences that have caused pain
and upset, experiences where they have been left with bags of shame and guilt and
experiences that left them broken. This avoidance can lead to a cycle of stagnation and dread,
where the fear of trying new things prevents growth and healing.
The road to recovery is challenging but not impossible.
While the struggle is real, it’s important to recognize that many survivors can and do overcome
these challenges. With the right support and guidance, life can become bright again, in fact life
can become a burning ball of greatness. But survivors must remember that healing is not easy
and often 5 steps forward will be followed by 15 back, until one day a backward glance is not
given.
Here are a few ideas to start on the journey of healing and self-discovery, believe me it’s an
adventure.
Therapy and Support Groups: Seeking the right professional help can provide survivors with the
tools they need to process their trauma. Support groups can also offer a safe space to share
experiences and connect with others who understand their struggles, fostering a sense of
community, and not standing alone in the darkness.
Others have shared their journey of
overcoming the trauma of abuse, reaching out to them provides hope.
You are not alone, read about others' journeys.
Gradual Exposure: Instead of jumping headfirst into new experiences, survivors can benefit
from taking small steps. Starting with low-stakes activities, such as taking a walk in a new
neighborhood or trying a new recipe, can help rebuild confidence without overwhelming them.
Small steps in the right direction are better than remaining stagnant.
Setting Personal Goals: Establishing small, achievable goals can give survivors a sense of
purpose and direction. These goals can be as simple as reading a book outside their comfort
zone or signing up for a workshop. Accomplishing these goals can boost self-esteem and
encourage further exploration. Becoming their own cheerleader along the way, increases their
self-worth with each and every win.
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Practicing mindfulness can help survivors stay grounded
and manage anxiety related to new experiences. Additionally, cultivating self-compassion allows
them to acknowledge their feelings without judgment, creating a more supportive inner dialogue.
Be kind to yourself, let’s face it, you wouldn’t berate a child how you do yourself, would
you?
Celebrating Small Wins: Recognizing and celebrating even the smallest achievements can
reinforce positive behavior. Whether it’s attending a new social event or trying a new hobby,
acknowledging these steps can motivate survivors to continue pushing their boundaries.
The journey of a domestic abuse survivor is fraught with challenges, but it is also one of
resilience and strength.
While the struggle to try new experiences can feel daunting, it is
essential for survivors to remember that healing is a gradual process. With the right support,
patience, and self-compassion, they can reclaim their lives and embrace the new opportunities
that await them. By taking small steps toward new experiences, they can begin to rediscover
their sense of self and the joy that life has to offer.
Because it is time!
Are you ready? Yes! Then reach out for support.
Further publications where you can walk hand in hand with others who have travelled
your path.
Handbags - Turning Hope into Happiness
Escaping Bohemia
The Girls Who Refused to Quit
These are all books that I had a part in writing, Escaping Bohemia being my memoir, so these
are affiliated links.
#DomesticAbuse #togetherwearestronger #beyondseparation #buildingabetterfuture
#EndDomesticViolence #StopTheViolence #LoveIsNotControl
#BreakTheSilence #SurvivorStories #NoMore #SpeakOut
#DomesticViolenceAwareness #YouAreNotAlone #hope #survivor #
