Who knew a massage could close chapters so effectively?
- How my personal La Cerrada / Closing the Bones Ceremony helped me move on from my traumatic past, why I trained in it straight afterwards.
My #healingjourney from #trauma #ptsd began when my bones were closed and I stepped back into my personal power.
***TRIGGER WARNING - DISCUSSION ABOUT TRAUMATIC EVENTS BELOW INCLUDING DOMESTIC ABUSE, BIRTH TRAUMA, GRIEF AND BEREAVEMENT***
INTRODUCTION:
When I first came across La Cerrada / Closing the Bones in December 2018, I hadn't thought of myself as having experienced trauma very much because in comparison to a lot of other people I'd met along the way, my life had been really very blessed. I came from a good family, with two loving parents (they celebrate 50yrs of marriage this coming August) an older brother, as well as a large supportive extended family and some wonderfully safe friendship circles.
I had many beautiful experiences growing up, had birthed three healthy children didn't really feel I'd been through traumatic events at all in my life. That was, until I began talking - or should I say unravelling - to my massage therapist / teacher / sister as part of my own Closing ceremony.
It turned out that I had been holding a lot of trauma, that I was unaware of, for YEARS. My 'ability to cope' bucket was drained completely dry. The reason I was in such a terrible state when La Cerrada came to me, was because I had been running away from my own grief, supporting everyone but myself, including my children their dad (in a roundabout way) after we separated in March 2018. I literally had nothing more to give to anyone else, not even myself I was having a nervous breakdown.
Struggling with Poor Mental Health
When I went to my teacher / therapist Japjeet in December 2018, I knew I was deeply unhappy in myself in a very very dark, as well as dangerous place. I had been there before many times over having suffered on off with my mental health since 2010, so I knew the signs deep down. I was underweight, stressed, suffering with anxiety, as well as depression. I had even considered ending it all on more than one occasion - truly believing my kids would be better off without me. I had physically banged my head against the wall too many times, just to try feel something. I had no belief in myself, was being tortured by my monkey mind daily, as well as all through the night with night terrors, so much more.
I was stuck living in my own hell was a shell of the woman I once was. By the time I saw Japjeet, I was completely burnt out, later discovering that I was suffering with c-ptsd from experiencing domestic violence for 11yrs, alongside running away from the grief from multiple bereavements I had had between February 2017 February 2018.
Despite the physical symptoms being obvious to the outside world, I personally could not grasp clearly why I felt this way having had such a generally blessed life. I felt so guilty having the issues I had, when I had known so many more who had much bigger problems.
MY PERSONAL TRAUMA STORY
MY BIRTH STORIES:
November 2008, I became a mama for the first time to my daughter. The pregnancy was one of the happiest, most calmest times of my life, but the emergency C-section I had to have, due to exhaustion after a 3day labour, led to trauma because I felt like a failure for not being able to get her out myself.
2009 was a very unhappy year, despite it appearing to the mainstream that I was living the 'perfect life.' 2009 was the year I had only my daughter, got married, moved into a lovely house I was happily pregnant with no 2. Sadly, behind closed doors, the relationship was suffering from the huge changes of becoming parents for the first time, moving, as well as experiencing first-hand, the financial crisis of 2008 so my depression began to creep in.
**TRIGGER WARNING - BIRTH TRAUMA**
March 2010 I became a mama for the second time to my first son, with another emergency C-section due to my son going into distress. He came out grey, lifeless, it was the longest 4 mins of my life, waiting to hear him cry. Thankfully he was ok but it didn't end there. He was a regular visitor to hospital with problems caused by his floppy larynx choking episodes, so it was a very difficult time for us all.
This birth experience was followed by 2.5yrs of deep depression due to the trauma of the birth but also the implanon contraceptive implant. I was already unhappy because I was incapable of birthing my children naturally, I wasn't the perfect earth mother I expected I would be. The implant seemed to exacerbate the symptoms to the extent that the 2.5yrs following are a blur of inability to even take my kids to the park, or baby groups, isolating myself from the world.
All this isolation resulted in a lot more trauma whilst on anti-depressants, I was an absent mother to my two very young babies because the medications I was on, completely numbed me out. After the implant was removed in late 2012, early 2013, I was told within a week, that it seemed like the old Anna was coming back. I came off the anti depressants soon after life got reasonably good again.
In 2013, I began my first journey into business, with my children's dad, the years following were good until mid 2017.
January 2014, I became a mama for the last time, to my second son. He was my tribal baby - I carried him in carriers until he was 4yrs old, breastfed him until 2yrs old he was such a healer to the difficult journey of motherhood I had had prior.
GRIEF, BEREAVEMENT:
As well as the birth trauma I was unknowingly carrying, prior to my La Cerrada Ceremony, I had lost four loved ones to different cancers from Feb 2017-Feb 2018. My Auntie - womb cancer, a Friend in the school community - breast cancer, another Auntie - breast cancer, the last, a really close friend - Lymphoma. I had supported her through her journey to get clean from her alcoholism, from 2012-2014, whilst pregnant but had to step back when bubba came. I was holding so much guilt for not being able to do more for her in her hours of need.
All of my loved ones who passed over, were too young. All of them left friends, children families behind. I felt every emotion the closer family would have been feeling being so close to a lot of them. Riding the emotions was so tough, that I struggled to attend the third funeral out of the four because my grief was so deep.
The combination of the previous bereavements funerals, alongside my marriage beginning to fall apart in Nov 2017, meant I didn't want to face up to it again. I did go to the wake, but was very late, making some silly excuses for my lateness. Nobody knew of the personal battles I was facing at that time as I 'showed face' because as always, I masked it so well, just like I had for 10yrs previous.
In 2018, after my marriage separation (another huge loss for myself my children, but a very necessary one), I had also supported the widower of my school community friend their boys through their bereavement, for a short but incredibly intensive period of time.
This was a welcome distraction from my own struggles, but it was not healthy in a lot of ways. My friend supported us in return a lot, helping us make some really fun memories as a family, but it was a lot for me to be holding space for outside of the fun. This just added to the excuses for me running away from facing my own grief head on, leading to more trauma being stored in my body.
MY STORY OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
The discovery that I had been a victim of domestic violence, on many occasions throughout my 11yr marriage (separated March 2018) as well as in previous relationships, came as such a shock to me, because I thought it was normal.
I'd witnessed first hand, one set of my grandparents all through my childhood, in what I now see as a near-identical marriage to how mine was. At the time, I didn't think much of it, but I knew my grandmother wasn't treated as nicely as she deserved because my grandfather was dreadful to her most of the time. She however, just tolerated it, with the occasional firey bite-back as she got older more fed up of it. As an adolescent, I was very proud of her and thought it was fabulous when she did stand up for herself!
I thought this domestic situation must have been 'normal for some couples' despite my own parents other grandparents seemingly living in marital domestic bliss, because they hid any issues they had well, in order to preserve mine my brother's innocence.
However, in the November 2018 when I had to go to a local children's centre because I recognised I needed support with the children, it came home to me big time. I arrived at the centre, was welcomed by lovely staff asked "How can we help?" I must have looked a bit bewildered because then they asked "Are you OK sweetheart?"
I broke down in floods of tears in the middle of the reception. I had just seen a poster about the FREEDOM project with an info graphic about domestic violence. I had no idea that what I had been experiencing throughout my whole marriage as well as some previous relationships, was classed as DV until that day.
I didn't want to believe it, because I had been working so hard to maintain an amicable relationship between my ex the children, despite everything, but there it was in black white in front of my eyes so there was no denying it. It didn't stop me pushing for the relationship for my children with their dad, but it was such a dreadful shock to realise what I had been going through.
HOW DID LA CERRADA HELP?
La Cerrada / Closing the Bones, came to me at the perfect time, through a pop up on my Facebook feed of all things. I believe the whole ceremonial situation saved my life because it helped shift everything that needed to be shifted, closing the chapters that needed to be closed.
TALKING THERAPY IN THE CEREMONY:
During the 3hr ceremony, a lot happens but the first step is talking over herbal tea, or in my case when I facilitate the ceremonies, I use ceremonial grade cacao. The talking can be anything from 5mins up to an hour depending on the client's wants or needs.
As safe space holders, we make our clients feel secure held enough to express if they choose to. We hold the space for them whatever comes up in the 121 talking therapy session throughout the following 3hrs as well. Physical massage of the hip bones releases trauma, sometimes bringing up a whole load of unexpected things for people.
There is no pressure to share anything, just what you are comfortable enough sharing, that in itself, tends to open the door for further sharing, leading to healing, because of how the holding, unravelling putting back together healing process works.
MY PERSONAL CEREMONIAL SHARING:
In my own ceremony, this was the case. I hadn't realised I had experienced the trauma described above, but when asked about my life experiences, I felt so safe with my therapist, that everything came out.
I mean EVERYTHING! My bereavements; Previous relationship experiences; My three birth stories - two emergency C-sections one elective; Criticism I received over my life that became my monkey mind; Bullying I had during my school years in Scotland for being English; Stories of abuse of other people I loved that had been entrusted to me over the years being the empathic person I am; The emotional abuse that I had unknowingly experienced myself, throughout my whole marriage, in previous relationships. It ALL came out...
CONCLUSION - WHY CLOSING THE BONES?
... And yet, although it was so much at once - my teacher, my therapist, my sister, held me safe through it all with patience, love, understanding, tissues, without a flinch.
Following the talking therapy, for two hours, she massaged me with hands usomg warming oils deep in my womb, abdomen around my hips where a lot of my trauma had been held unknowingly for so many years. She used sacred handwoven shawls (rebozos) to sift me, hold me tight, swaddle me release all the stress I was physically holding literally in my bones. She made me feel as safe as I once had felt as a babe in my own incredible mama's arms. She held space for me to unravel so I could let it all go.
"...Let it go, let it out, let it all unravel...
Let it be so you can see, the path on which to travel..." CLOSING THE BONES SONG. 2018.
I came out of the 3hr ceremony, cried out, exhausted from the emotional unraveling but in equal measures, put back together again feeling like I had been reborn. I felt clarity like I'd never felt before, confidence in myself, knowledge that I was a good enough mama, able to forgive myself for what I thought were failures in my parenting when it was just my soul crying out for love support that sadly couldn't be there from the partner I chose to become mama with.
It was an incredibly humbling, beautiful experience from an incredible soul. She is the reason I am so passionate about this craft that I trained in 2 months later.
This is my story. It is long, but I thank you for reading this far. I hope my sharing with you all, will help you understand why I am the way I am. Maybe my story could help you or someone else you love to break free in order to love the life they truly deserve.
Much love always,
Anna Chantal xx
CEO - CHERRY BLOSSOM THERAPIES.
LEICESTER, UK.
