"...I felt so lost, so isolated, so incredibly alone, as the deep 4hr conversations at night had silenced with my festival friend. He kept me going for 3.5 months since the festival, all through the summer and into the Autumn, helping me remember who I was, what was important to me, and above all, what I was capable of doing for both myself and for other people. The amount of love I was able to give to another, he reflected back to me, like a mirror of all positives as well as shadows as well. He helped me realise that I was my own best friend and encouraged me to turn the advice, energy and love I was giving to him, back to myself to restore me and heal myself..."
LOCKDOWN MEMOIRS: PART THREE - My True Happily Ever After
Today, during lockdown of April 2020, 6 months after my magical man and I broke it off because we became too co-dependent on each other, I finally have found peace in my soul.
The Void That I Yearned to be Filled Again
In Autumn 2019, I began to accept the fact that I wasn’t enjoying trying to be the ‘strong and fiercely independent single mum.’ I began to realise and accept without guilt, that what I yearned for, no matter how much I tried to deny it and try and ‘cope’ without having it, was a supportive partner. After giving and receiving so much love from my special festival friend, he helped me remember my ultimate heart’s desire. He helped me remember what my centre was, my centre of love, but he hadn’t been the right person to fulfil that role. We were in different places of life experience and could not fulfil each other’s needs fully. He even said to me I should manifest a new partner, the one who was right for me and I put all my energy and focus into doing this. September/October was really hard, as seasons changed and everything felt so in-between, alongside things coming to a natural end between my special friend and me.
I didn’t know exactly what I needed, but knew exactly what I wanted. 7 months prior to the All About Love Festival, I had written an entry on my facebook feed, which had become somewhat of an outlet of expression for my truth and my healing when I felt unable to talk to anyone face to face. I had written;
'I yearn for someone to turn up on my doorstep with flowers, to take me in their arms and tell me they love me, then kissing me so passionately, so lovingly, I lose myself in the moment.
I want them to caress me from head to toe with gentle, loving kisses and strokes, to make me feel like the most important woman in their present world.
I want to be able to take my kids on adventures with this incredible person because I can trust them with mine and their hearts implicitly. I want to feel secure, stable and loved by someone who deserves me.
I want somebody to share the mundane everyday things that come with parenthood and work as an unstoppable team, from the foundations of love, side by side united...'
By late October, close to my daughter’s 11th birthday, I felt so lost, so isolated, so incredibly alone, as the deep 4hr conversations at night had silenced with my festival friend. He kept me going for 3.5 months since the festival, all through the summer and into the Autumn, helping me remember who I was, what was important to me, and above all, what I was capable of doing for both myself and for other people. The amount of love I was able to give to another, he reflected back to me, like a mirror of all positives as well as shadows as well. He helped me realise that I was my own best friend and encouraged me to turn the advice, energy and love I was giving to him, back to myself to restore me and heal myself.
Our deep conversations on life, on love, on hopes and dreams, kept my hopes high, gave me another purpose to keep going when some days I found it so hard putting one foot in front of the other, let alone being able to mother my children as they needed me to. I had realised a long time ago that you cannot feed from an empty cup, not even a full cup…your cup has to be overflowing so there is always enough to give yourself as well as to others. To have this cup filled by another, is the most wonderful feeling, and it makes life that bit sweeter. The more you give, the more this cup of love depletes its stocks. If it isn’t getting replenished daily, it drains dry, which mine had done long before love visited me once again at the festival. I had nothing left to give to anyone, not even myself or my children.
When my cup stopped being replenished daily by my beautiful souled friend, I quickly became lost again, forgetting so much that I had learned in the previous few months through my deep friendship with him. He still encouraged me, but less directly. He sent me little reminders now and then, and looking back at our message exchange from the previous months kept me topped up to a level that was most welcome and definitely needed. However, I still had this unfulfilled yearning, a huge void desperate to be replenished again. I tried to tell myself I didn’t need anyone, I was enough by myself, but I missed conversation with another adult so much, which led me to become so low in my own self-imposed isolation. I wasn’t able to reach out to people because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my misery, and not many people in my close circle were in a situation even close to mine as a single mum to three troubled kids.
I Had Done the Inner Work, Why Was I Still Not OK?
With the self-work I had done over the months, I should have been ok on my own but the fact was, I didn’t want to do it on my own anymore. I was a different level of tired, I was completely emotionally exhausted. I was so ready to feel somebody’s arms around me helping keep me safe in my weaker moments, being willing and able to be the strong one on the days I felt I couldn’t be strong anymore. I yearned for somebody to surprise me with a random act of love or kindness, I wished so badly to be held tight in an embrace, feel somebody’s lips on mine, as their fingers interlinked with mine when we strolled side by side together and went on adventures with and without the kids.
I wanted to have the dream relationship I had wished for all my life, that I had never yet been able to find despite trying so…damn…hard. It was such a difficult time to manage myself and my emotions in. I needed to be able to lean on somebody, just so I could catch my breath and rest easy once more, ready to begin again.
Calling Him into Existence
I journalled about him…my perfect love, in such intricate detail.
I pictured everything I wanted in a relationship for myself and my children. There was no anger felt when I sensed his presence around me, no conditions, just the pure sense of calm, peace and safety all around me as I imagined every detail, dreaming this beautiful man into my existence unknowingly.
I felt the emotions of it, the physical sensations of being held by someone who loved me unconditionally, as well as the sense of devotion from him. I dreamt of him, I cried over him, him being this figment of my future life I yearned for so deeply. In meditations, I held my hand over my heart-space, imagining him there, gently tucking my hair behind my ear, caressing my cheek so gently and kissing my neck as he came up behind me.
I felt everything as though he was already there with me, feeling his presence, his strength, his protection, his encouragement, accepting me fully in all my moods. It was almost like he was there but only in spirit form not in actual physical form. I was subconsciously calling out to him, my true twin soul. Even when I stood in my kitchen, I closed my eyes and felt sensations like the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as I imagined him approaching me from behind to put his arms round me and pull me into an embrace so full of love, devotion and protection. It made my heart feel so full as I felt joy returning to my soul once more after so much sadness as well as longing.
My New Moon Manifestation
…A PRESENT DAY NOTE: At the Full Moon, it is time to release all that no longer serves you. At the New Moon however, it is time to consider what you want to manifest in the weeks ahead before the next full moon. There is an art to this, which again, is probably detailed enough for a whole other blog, but, with how I describe it below, you will get the gist of what you need to do for the most effective results. Different moons have different strengths, and the one of 28th October 2019, was one particularly good for manifesting your deepest desires, and on this particular one, I was guided by some incredibly talented spooky souls who are experts in their field…
(cont.)
Come one Autumnal night, the night of the New Moon on 28th October 2019, I knew what I had to do. It was time to set the intentions for the month ahead.
I pictured the scene…
I remembered how I’d imagined it would feel to be held by him, kissed by him, supported by him both physically and emotionally. I felt the love from him already, even in the spirit form. However, on this chilly October night, I let myself dream more wildly than I ever had before. I imagined the scenery around us, I smelt the smells around us, what I could hear. More than anything, I felt him, I felt his presence and energy in my life, a mountain of support who offered me understanding, compassion, love, adoration, sensitivity and steadfastness. and felt the electricity sizzle between us as our energy combined when we came into each other’s energy fields.
I then wrote every minute detail down in my journal of who I wanted to come into my family’s life.
As I went to sleep at night, I felt the masculine surrounding me, protecting me, holding me up when I couldn’t hold myself up. He was with me even before I met him, I just had no inclination who, when and where this man would physically meet me.
The 11:11 Reunion at the Party
It was a miserable November night as I had begun to dip again with seriously low moods. This was after a number of weeks of self-inflicted isolation whilst I’d been healing my heart and manifesting the key to heal the leftover pain in my soul. The tell-tale signs of another burnout and large emotional release were present in my body, with how drained and listless I felt. I didn’t feel ready to deal with this either energetically or physically so fought it as best I could. Added to this, I found it increasingly difficult, to see anybody to explain where I was at after the festival relationship breakdown because at the time, I did not understand it myself.
On 9th November, the children and I were due to go to my best friends’ annual fireworks celebration. After the children being particularly awkward, I had resounded to the fact that we weren’t going to go because I was so exhausted, to the extent I was in tears of frustration because nothing was going right. I just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep…sadly not much choice to do that as a single mum to three excitable kids. However, destiny, the universe, fate, whatever you want to call it, had other ideas for me that night.
Somehow, something in me took over - which I cannot comprehend – and I found the strength to pull myself up from the downward spiral I was heading towards and we got to the party, late of course!
It was the first time I’d been around anyone socially for such a long time, and I felt really daunted, despite there being only familiar faces from nearly 20yrs of social gatherings between us all in our friendship circle. Being around that many people, and all their different energies, was very overwhelming, because my world had been only my kids, my parents, and my festival friend virtually for months - I hadn’t been in the ‘outside world’ for a long time.
I chuckled writing this, because here I sit in the middle of a second wave of government enforced isolation in Leicester during a lockdown, because of the Covid-19 Pandemic we’re in the midst of, we have been since March 2020, which is nearly 5 months! To think last year, the universe was preparing me for the last few months enforced isolation with my elective personal isolation I was doing unintentionally in 2019. That, is quite a thought!
- Overwhelmed:
I was very emotional during the party, and having to update people on how things were with the kids since mine my children’s father’s split in 2018, as well as how he and I were getting along, then further questions about my festival friend and why he wasn’t with me, was really hard going.
All through these inquisitions however, there was a silent observer, somebody who had walked in my very shoes over the few years before. As I was talking of my plight, and struggling to keep it together, the observer was there - listening, and watching me so attentively and protectively whilst I was absolutely unaware of it - until the end of the night! This beautifully built, tall, gray-green eyed gentleman had always just been ‘my best friend’s husband’s mate’ and although we were very familiar to each other from knowing each other for so long, I saw him just as that ‘my mate’s husband’s mate.’ Strange to think that he has known of me since I was 18, and even held my baby girl at a few months old!
- The Mask Slips:
Towards the end of the evening, I needed to sit down because the emotions had got the better of me and my exhaustion had hit a new level. I was close to tears as I went into the living room, and saw such a beautiful sight. My three children playing with his two children, for the first time properly in all the time I had known them – since birth! He was on the sofa supervising them, and I began to realise something…that evening, I had noticed him more than I normally would have. I had noticed how attentive he was to his children, how he helped the hosts with looking after everyone…I had noticed HIM…he had grown up, he was like me, he’d come out of the same situation I had of a toxic marriage a few years before me, but had it together, yet he was on his own and I was on my own.
That thought occurred to me as he snapped me out of my thoughts, because my face must have given me away as I walked through the living room door. He looked at me, I looked at him as he said ‘Are you ok?’ I wasn’t and he saw it straight away. I’d spoken to so many other people more than him that night, for longer, and he saw exactly where I was at, in a second.
I said to him ‘I’m exhausted, no, I’m beyond exhausted…’ He gestured for me to go and sit next to him on the sofa. I accepted his invitation and flopped onto the sofa next to him. ‘I know exactly how you feel…I’ve been there babe. it’s like no other exhaustion you have experienced…I’ve been there.’
- Dreams Become Real:
Feeling more like a girl than a woman in my silent emotional turmoil, I sat next to this boy who I’d known for nearly 20yrs and realised he had become a man, a really really good man. An incredible father, and a really good friend to all those around him. The first thing I noticed when I sat down and sheepishly looked at him, when I realised he actually ‘got it’ when I told him where I was at, were his eyes. They were looking right at me, and they were green like mine, but more grey/green. I had never noticed his eyes before, but they were beautiful, llke the ocean.
As our kids played together, we didn’t say much, we just watched them together and they were bonding so beautifully. They have known each other since babies, but had never really played before. This was a sight for sore eyes, an incredibly beautiful moment. I blinked back some tears, because for the first time in a really long time, I actually was smiling. It was such a foreign feeling on my face…life had become oh so serious, and I had forgotten what happiness felt like. Taking joy in the little things; being understood, watching children play, having a handsome man sitting next to me sharing the moment. It was absolutely beautiful but I still didn’t see what was in front of my face!
Only when it was time to go, and he gave me a hug did something awaken in me. I always gave him a little hug and peck on the cheek when I saw him at the parties, but this time it was different. He lingered, I lingered, and when we went to kiss each other on the cheek, I’m sure our lips caught each other’s very briefly! I vaguely remember saying to him then ‘we should meet up with all the kids at the park or something.’ To which he agreed and gave me his number. We said our goodbyes and I felt so weird as I drove my kiddies home, I was in some kind of different space and just kept thinking ‘I’m so glad we went!’
I couldn’t sleep that Saturday night, and he and I sent a couple of messages about meeting up after school the following week that evening. He was at a wedding with his kids on the Sunday, and we were messaging all day. By the evening when he had dropped his kids off at their mum’s, we were having a conversation about maybe having a coffee or a drink just us without the kids as well to get to know each other. By the Monday night, he had spent the evening at mine, while the kids were away for the night, and next thing I know, we were together together, as boyfriend and girlfriend, in a totally mutual, adult, real relationship!
Conclusion
Each relationship I have been in, I have come that little bit closer to my ideal, but after 37 years, I never imagined that I’d be blessed to experience the love I did in 2019 and have continued to since. When you get to the stage in your life where all your idealistic ideas of how relationships should be, have failed miserably, you begin to lose hope, and believe that what you thought actually existed in fact does not.
Then, out of the blue, like a catapulted lightning bolt, love hits you. It consumes you, and absolutely overwhelms you, to the extent that you are running away from the very thing you’d been dreaming of all your life! It’s so ridiculous because at first you don’t trust it, you don’t believe it is actually happening, you don’t want to surrender to it because it feels like it could abandon you any minute with your previous experiences. You feel fear like you cannot imagine, distrust, uncertainty, and yet, the exact thing that is in front of you is everything you have been praying for all of your life. Then, you eventually realise dreams can come true.
Thank you for reading one and all,
Anna Chantal xx
