'...Incense smoke, chanting, stomping on the ground, cheering, shouting loudly at the fire we danced around, to surrender our fears, to send what no longer served us to the flames. Drumming, singing, dancing our hearts out with no other intent but to release.
I send out my feelings of unworthiness, of not being enough, of being a bad mum. I feel emotions rising in me like a volcano, the rage I held of being treated so badly for so many years previous, when all I did was love wholeheartedly. Giving up the guilt of not being able to ‘save’ those I’d loved and lost through death, or mental breakdown.
When I’d loved them with all that I could, it still wasn’t enough to save them but I had to realise, it wasn’t my fault, it wasn't my responsibility.
I had to let it all go, I had to release the noose that was around my neck, I had to scream with my sisters, with my brothers, shout, dance, express my frustration, my anger, my raging fire inside that represented my distrust of love against all odds that had built up over the years.
I had to start again, from afresh...I needed a reset'
My First Cacao Medicine Journey
"...As the music gets louder and louder, the cacao magic takes its effect, our hearts are open and my brothers, sisters and I, are filled with love and commitment to our ritual of walking round the cauldron. We walk one way to conjur out anything that no longer serves us, through stomping, shouting, dancing, screaming our anguish out, sending it into the fire as well as calling in our desires afterwards.
After release, we then have a short period of calm, holding hands in a circle, interconnected to each other's energy whilst we inhale and exhale together to reset, recentre and calm our own fires within. We go on to walk the other way in unison. Hands eventually unlink once more, as the calm turns into a wild individual dance around the fire again. This time however, it is to welcome in those true desires, not to release that which no longer serves us..."
My own individual wild dance, conjured up the feelings I’d feel once the love I truly deserved to experience in my life, came to me. I pictured the scene, feeling the feelings of what it would be like and found myself wishing, praying, from the depths of my soul, that the right relationship for me came my way very soon.
I knew I could manage on my own, but I didn’t want to have to. I yearned for connection, for love from another, for the right support for me and the children, in a relationship, that I hadn’t experienced for 12 years. This was my dream from a really young girl - a beautiful relationship filled with unconditional love from me to him and him to me in return, by my side as my equal. I didn’t just imagine the chemistry we’d have, I actually physically felt it, so I wished this desire into living reality with all my might upon the cauldron's fire.
Once our walks and dances were completed, we slowed down, all held hands once more, as we let the emotions settle alongside the beats of the drum and chants calming and slowing down.
I had been so close to giving up on my dreams, but when you feel how things ‘should’ be even in your imagination, you don’t want to give up that hope. Hope, is a wonderful, mysterious, and beautiful thing, that more often than not, saves us from ourselves.
The Memory that Resurfaced
That fateful day, at the All About Love festival, June 2019, I released it all into the fire, into the cauldron, then set my wishes into action, and by the end of it, I was a blubbering mess. My new friends had to hold me up as the emotion surged, choked me, and tore through me. I was sobbing, crying, shaking, trembling, convulsing, and I didn’t know what was happening to me except that a hell of a lot of my ‘stuff’ shifted that day.
I somehow made it back to the seating area, I think with help, and sat myself down. The bench suddenly felt cold after the heat from my emotions, my friends’ supportive hands, as well as the fire dancing. I began to shiver, suddenly feeling very, very, alone. Suddenly, I felt my shawl being placed around my shoulders, and was given some water by one of the ceremony assistants. My festival family joined me shortly afterwards on the benches, as we all sat and listened to the Shaman in a beautiful, soothing, calming, guided meditation, to help secure the release of that which no longer served us all, to make space for the desires we wanted to manifest. All of us sat together as a collective, but with very different stories. All of us together as one unit, in one ceremony of cacao, drums, feathers and fire, with the same intention - to grow from what we were leaving behind.
Our Shaman was so calm as she beat her drum, close by us all at times as she showered us individually with the drum’s vibrations, shifting out anything leftover that we didn’t want or need anymore. Her presence was alluring, beautiful, genuinely soulful, putting us all at such ease. The drum beat became rhythmic, as she sent us on a guided journey into our souls. We had to focus on what we saw…
...Once Upon a Time...There was a little girl with emerald green eyes, running through a hayfield, chasing Tess the doggy. She was about 3 years old, enjoying the innocence of her beautiful idyllic childhood in mother nature’s playground. This little girl was full of life, excitement, smiles, curiosity and hope.
She lived in the village of Comberton, Cambridgeshire, surrounded by wheat fields, thatched cottages, a village pond with ducks swimming on it, a cute little playgroup, ‘Bashes’ the newsagents, a butcher, a baker, a playground, village hall, and a village pub. As she got older, she had best friends at every corner of her world, with her home in the centre. Her world felt very big, but actually, from the outsider’s eye, her world was very small, yet full of excitement, adventures, and most importantly, fun! Lizzie was down the road, no 5, Becca, then I think Jodie on the other side of the cul-de-sac, Raggles her little sister Bethan next door to the emerald eyed little girl, no 26, or was it 25 or 28, and their houses were semi-attached to each other. Both houses had pianos next to each other and periodically they would knock the walls to let each other know that they could hear.
The little emerald eyed girl's whole world was literally on her doorstep, living with her older brother, her mum and her dad. Her dad studied at Trinity College Cambridge for his PHD he was writing, so she didn’t see a lot of him, with him working so hard for such long hours, but when she did see him, it was exciting! Particularly when mummy took her and her brother to visit daddy at work...
Trinity
An entrance of grand demur, arches everywhere. High ceilings, a black white chequered floor. Shelves and shelves of books as high and as wide as you could see. Ladders that go from one shelf to the next to reach the highest shelves with the most precious olden day books. Many bound with leather, the smell of the books, of the rich diverse history at Trinity College Library Cambridge was beautiful.
Walking in, the ceilings seemed endless, as did the echo of footsteps and clippity cloppity heels, from people walking up and down the aisles organising and categorising books. If she and big brother dared to make a little squeak, it echoed everywhere, but more often than not, the friendly and exciting little echo was greeted by a very stern looking librarian saying ‘Shhhhh’ because in the good old eighties, libraries were quiet places, particularly those posh libraries of Oxbridge! Not many young children had the privilege to experience that, which the young girl and her brother did, they were lucky, that’s for sure.
At home, the little girl loved to play libraries, labelling and categorising all her books just like her daddy taught her how to. She was never much of a reader, but loved people reading to her. Most of all, she loved playing and handling books. She felt very important being a librarian’s daughter, and the passion for books and words and writing set her up for life.
When she was at home - not playing librarians, or mummies and daddies with her dolls - the little girl’s mummy was always there - aside from playgroup a few times a week, then later school. There was a world of adventures as close to her as in her back garden, where there was a beautiful hollowed oak tree. Her parents were a little worried about her playing near it because of the delicate state of the tree, but she couldn’t stay away, there was too much to discover. It was an entire habitat of creatures waiting for young curious eyes to discover. Her imagination, could run wild with nature adventures, fairies living in the old oak and little people living at the bottom of her garden, she was an absolute fantasist!
What did it all mean?
When in a state of absolute calm, relaxation, and openheartedness, memories once forgotten return. In the medicine journeying instructions, we were told that whatever it was that we first saw, the likelihood was it was something that needed to be looked at and healed from.
I saw a little green eyed girl, at first I was unsure what it meant. My childhood wasn’t traumatic as such – if anything, it would have been classed as ‘idyllic.’ I lived in a beautiful home, with large windows that I remember sunbathing next to as a little girl. I remembered the baby grand piano we used to have in the living room, the terracotta orange carpets floral orange/brown sofa suite in the 1980s. I remembered so much of my childhood, and none of it, felt bad. I was a loved, happy free spirited little girl, so why was I seeing someone like me, who apparently needed healing? I had always felt safe in my village home.
At that moment, during the ceremony, I remember very suddenly feeling loss, sadness and a sense of confusion, yet, I couldn’t work out why I was feeling this way. I sat with it a while in the meditation, trying to work it out as tears welled in my eyes again. Was it because I was having issues in my relationship with my own daughter, and I never had a child who looked like me as a child and I felt a sadness about that? Was it because there was some unknown trauma I’d experienced that my memories were trying to help me heal from? I went through every possibility to no avail, until BAHM! It hit me so suddenly. I was remembering a time when everything was so straightforward, simple, and full to the brim of love, innocence purity.
The little girl I saw, wasn’t the second daughter I thought I’d have. She was a symbol of what I felt was missing in my life, of the needs that weren’t being met. I was so carefree and happy when I was little, because I was blessed with such stability and security growing up. My childhood family was not ‘broken’ like my own children’s was, far from it, it was steady, close, strong secure, even my extended family relationships as well. My parents have been together since my mum was age 15 dad 17…they are now 67 69, which means they have been together for nearly 52yrs! I have grown up with both my parents in a secure, stable home marriage all my life. I’d wanted that too for myself and my family, but sadly that wasn’t meant to be - the first time around anyway.
My Mission was exposed - to find the centre of Anna Chantal once more, that had once been so strong
- LOVE.
Thank you for reading and your ongoing support folks!
Do please let me know if you want to discuss anything you have read of mine this week, in more detal, and also, what Blog topics you would love me to talk about when I get back?!
Much love and blessings, always,
Anna Chantal xx
