The Illusion of Love: Falling for a Narcissistic Abuser
By Samantha Gold
It all started when I fell in love with a narcissistic abuser. I was 26 and started dating a man from work. He was handsome, charming, caring, loving, funny, and all the things I wanted in a man. He swept me off my feet—or so I thought. That was the beginning of my nightmare that lasted over 23 years.
Hooked Into a Toxic Relationship
It only took three months for me to get hooked into the relationship, and his work was done. I thought since he had a house and a steady job, he was a good and stable person. It was a huge step up for me with men. Most of the men I dated didn’t have much, and I settled for less. I didn’t know my worth. If I had, I never would have been attracted to my ex-husband, then boyfriend.
The On-and-Off Dating Cycle
My marriage lasted 20 years. Our dating relationship was on and off. For two and a half years, we dated, but it was on again, off again. He discarded me, then wanted me back. I went back every time. I loved him and thought he loved me. Narcissists don’t have the capability to love anyone, including themselves. I was just a supply for him. I was the longest supply he ever had. He knew I was a keeper because I have a loving heart, and I was stable. One of my greatest attributes was my biggest downfall in regards to my now ex-husband. I actually like to call him my “wusband.” He does not deserve to ever have been called my husband, and he didn’t earn the right to call me his wife.
Seeking Love In Childhood and the Desire for Acceptance
I grew up with divorced parents. I didn’t receive much love from my mother. She suffered from mental illness, and I never felt she loved me. She seemed to favor my younger brother. My dad didn't show his love for me when I was little. As I grew up I could see he actually did love me and throughout my life showed it in different ways. He just had a hard time telling me. It wasn't until he died I realized how much he really loved me.
Realizing the Horrifying Truth
I never felt like I fit in with my family on either side. I felt like an outsider. When I met my husband at the beginning of our relationship, I felt he loved me, and I thought he and I were going to have a great life together. It was far from that. It was a hard pill to swallow, finding out years later that he was not at all who I thought he was. It was all an act, and everything about our relationship was a lie in his eyes. It was real for me. I now know he just used me, and he thought I would stay with him forever.
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