Stop Asking Kids How They Feel All the Time
There’s a growing emphasis on emotional intelligence, especially among children. Parents, educators, and caregivers are encouraged to nurture kids’ emotional well-being, often by checking in on their feelings. However, there’s a point where this well-intentioned practice can backfire. Constantly asking children how they feel might lead them to invent emotions or overthink their feelings, creating problems that weren’t even there.
The Impact of Over-Questioning on Kids’ Emotions
The Pressure to Feel Something
When children are frequently asked how they’re feeling, they may start to feel pressure to have an answer, even when nothing significant is on their minds. This can lead to a cycle of over-analysis, where they begin to question whether they should be feeling something, anything, to respond appropriately. Over time, this pressure can lead to unnecessary stress and anxiety.
Of course, if you see and feel that there is an issue ask. Ask, "What is going on", and "How are you feeling?"
We know that children are naturally imaginative, and if they’re asked how they feel too often, they might begin to create emotions or problems to satisfy the adults around them. A simple “How do you feel?” without a reason can become a loaded question that makes them second-guess their normal state of being.
The Risk of Overthinking
Children are still learning to understand and articulate their emotions. When asked too frequently about their feelings, they might start to overthink situations, dissecting every interaction and experience to find a feeling they can describe. This overthinking can lead to confusion and self-doubt, as they struggle to find the “right” emotions.
For example, a child might begin to wonder if they’re supposed to feel sad about something that didn’t initially bother them or whether they should be angry when they aren’t. This can result in them internalizing emotions that aren’t truly theirs, leading to a distorted sense of self-awareness.
Encouraging Natural Emotional Awareness
A Healthy Emotional Environment
Rather than constantly asking children how they feel, it’s more beneficial to create an environment where they feel comfortable expressing their emotions naturally. This can be achieved through open-ended conversations and by modeling healthy emotional expression.
Instead of direct questioning, you can engage in activities that encourage children to share their thoughts and feelings organically. For instance, storytelling, drawing, or playing can be great ways for kids to express themselves without the pressure of having to articulate their emotions on command.
Letting Kids Come to You
Children are more likely to share their true feelings when they don’t feel pressured to do so. By giving them space and time, they can approach you when they’re ready to talk. This approach helps build trust and ensures that when they do share, their emotions are genuine and not manufactured in response to frequent questioning.
It’s important to be present and attentive when they do choose to share. Listening actively, without interrupting or immediately offering solutions, shows that you value their feelings and are there to support them.
Alternatives to Asking “How Do You Feel?”
Observing Behavior Over Verbal Inquiries
Sometimes, a child’s behavior can tell you more about their emotional state than words ever could. Observing changes in behavior, such as withdrawing from activities they usually enjoy or acting out, can provide insights into their feelings. Addressing these behaviors directly, without framing them as emotions they need to identify, can be more effective.
For example, instead of asking, “Are you upset?” when a child is quiet, you might say, “I noticed you’re a bit quieter than usual today. Would you like to do something together?” This approach acknowledges their behavior without forcing them to label their emotions prematurely.
Ask About Their Day
Encouraging children to reflect on their day or experiences can help them develop emotional awareness without the pressure of needing to articulate their feelings immediately. Questions like “What was the best part of your day?” or “Was there anything that surprised you today?” can lead to meaningful conversations where emotions might naturally surface.
These types of questions allow children to explore their emotions within the context of their experiences rather than feeling like they need to produce an emotional response on demand.
It is important to pay attention to children’s emotional needs but constantly asking them how they feel can inadvertently lead them to overthink or even fabricate emotions. Creating a supportive environment where they feel free to express their feelings naturally, observing their behavior, and encouraging reflection without pressure are all healthier approaches to fostering emotional intelligence.
