When I got my diagnosis, I received some advice, very similar, from a few different people. It was along the lines of 'be kind to yourself for the realisation and journey you're about to go through next'. I thought 'yes of course, I'll be gentle about this process,' but until it started happening, I didn't fully comprehend what they meant. I'm starting to now.
I went from crying with relief, to telling loads of people that I'd told about my referral, being really chuffed to have answers... and then little things started to hit me.
Little moments in my life where I cringed at my behaviour, my responses, my sadness, my self hatred and rejection. Little moments that I now realised the reason why my responses seemed 'different' to everyone else. ADHD.
Imposter syndrome hit because I received a Health Work Assessment from my employment and had no idea what to say about adjustments. I began over analysing myself. What adjustments did I need? What could be different? I did not know, and I'm still unsure. I've got my entire working life, not knowing there was more support out there.
I started trying to differentiate myself from my ADHD behaviours to realising, it's not something I can separate. I tried to define my good and bad days. My good and bad days are pointless in trying to explain. I am ADHD, it is me, every single emotion, reaction, process, brain function, quirk, the way I plan, every single thing. Every single struggle I have had my entire freaking life because I was trying to just cope like everyone else! Trying to slow my thoughts down and 'just relax!' Yes, funny now I know. Trying to rationalise and not fall apart, hit self destruct or hide from the world every single time I felt rejected and criticised.
Now, I am starting to let the mask go. To be myself, authentically and unapologetically. To be kind and allow myself to just be me. Finally, in my mid thirties to be able to step into who I truly am.
I've created a couple of posts about my recent diagnosis and journey going forward, and I am overwhelmed with pride to say that four people have gotten in touch to ask for my advice and help in getting a referral. Me sharing my honest story has helped, and I'm just at the beginning. I'm nervous, but empowered to think what I can do next... Just being myself, finally.
Thank you for reading
