What even is Narcissism?

Narcissism. What does that even mean? 

I hadn’t a clue! I read it somewhere, probably on facebook, a few years ago and I popped over to Google to see what it meant. 

Isn’t Google great? It answers questions you hadn’t even asked yet! So having read the definition of narcissism, it showed me examples of narcissistic traits, narcissistic abuse - woah - light bulb moment - I wasn’t going mad after all! The way my ex had treated me was right here, the reasons I behaved and felt the way I did were right here! There was a name for it and it was a form of abuse!

Self-Doubt

The behaviours I had endured in my past relationship mirrored textbook examples of narcissistic abuse. It was a revelation - I wasn't alone, and I wasn't crazy!

So you see, way before this particular relationship turned violent, it was already toxic but I thought it was all me. 

I thought I was not doing what I should be doing as a wife, I wasn’t living up to the expectations, I battled with depression and anxiety, using alcohol as a misguided coping mechanism - I thought it must be tough on him, living with someone like me.

The Illusion of Love

Little did I know, the true source of the toxicity lay in the narcissistic tendencies of my partner.

His actions were veiled in declarations of love and concern. He shielded me from the supposed burdens of reality, portraying himself as a caring protector. I convinced myself that his secrecy and manipulation came from a place of love; he simply wanted to spare me from unnecessary stress.

Twisted Reality

But, behind the facade of love was a web of deceit and gaslighting. Every revelation was twisted, distorted until I no longer recognized truth from fiction. Something as obvious as the grass is green could be turned upside down and leave me questioning if in fact perhaps I was mistaken and the grass is indeed purple, not green.  Simple facts became battlegrounds of manipulation, leaving me questioning my own sanity.

Empowerment Though Understanding

When I did that Google search and discovered there was a name for what I went through all those years ago, it healed me in ways I didn’t know needed healing. Knowing that we are not alone can provide strength and hope and understanding.

Shining a Light

In my next blog we will be exploring the insidious nature of narcissistic abuse and its profound impact on mental health and well-being;  looking at ways in which narcissists exert control, manipulate perceptions, and erode self-esteem. 

Together, we can shine a light on this hidden epidemic and empower survivors to reclaim their lives.
If you or someone you know is worried about domestic abuse, please feel free to reach out to me or seek help online at  https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ or call 0808 2000 247 for free confidential advice.