But I've left the relationship - why are things getting worse?
Leaving an abusive relationship is a huge step. It takes a huge amount of courage and strength. Often I think we just assume that once the victim has left the abuser, life becomes amazing and all their problems are gone, along with the abuser.
Unfortunately, oftentimes, the end of the relationship can be the beginning of problems that we didn’t foresee. As the perpetrator loses that control they had during the relationship, they have to find other ways of maintaining power and influence over the survivor's. This often manifests in issues related to co-parenting, especially when the abuser exhibits narcissistic tendencies.
Supporting the children while treading water trying to stay afloat
For me, many of the problems I faced came through my children; things that were said to them while in his care, comments and threats made in front of them at drop-off / pick-up, refusing to pay child maintenance. The early days were especially difficult as I struggled to juggle responsibilities, manage the emotional impact on my children, and cope with the exhaustion of it all.
Co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner adds an extra layer of complexity to an already challenging situation. It requires navigating manipulation, gaslighting, and power struggles while prioritising the well-being of the children involved. It's a constant balancing act between protecting yourself and your children while trying to foster some kind of co-parenting relationship that works. And in honesty, that looks different for everyone. I couldn’t have verbal conversations with my ex-partner as things would get twisted further down the line so I found text messages and having written proof of what had been said saved my sanity more than once!
Life gets better with boudaries!
There have been times when I’ve thought it would never end, that it was just going to be one long, exhausting journey but it does get better! If you’re in a similar situation right now, despite the difficulties, it's important to remember that you are not alone in this journey. Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can offer guidance and validation. Set boundaries to protect yourself and your children from further harm.
Setting boundaries is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being and rebuilding self-esteem. Establish clear boundaries with others and assertively communicate your needs and expectations. Practice saying no without guilt or apology, and prioritise self-care to maintain your resilience and strength as well as your own needs and desires.
This doesn't have to be a solo journey, reach out for support
Above all, remember that you are capable, resilient, and deserving of a peaceful and fulfilling co-parenting relationship. Stay strong, and know that brighter days lie ahead.
If you or someone you know is worried about domestic abuse, please feel free to reach out to me or seek help online at https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ or call 0808 2000 247 for free confidential advice.
